Living a Conspicuous Life

Conspicuous=Easy to notice; obvious. I had the great oppotunity last Sunday to see Sherry Dew speak at a fireside Carla had invited me to. I've always loved her sense of humor and common sense. She made a comment that really struck me. She asked if we were living a "Conspicuous Life". By that, she meant , do people know what you believe and what you value? Is it obvious? I've thought of that before because sometimes people will comment that they didn't know I was LDS. Usually it's meant as a compliment-as I'm not their preconceived idea of what an LDS person is like. But I think I need to do a better job of living what I believe so it's obvious to myself and others what I value most in my life. I think at times I've tried so hard to not offend others by pushing my beliefs on them, I've watered down who I am and what's important to me. It's unacceptable to me anymore. I need to have conviction and be willing to put myself out there, maybe it will encourage others to ask why I'm so happy and it will open up more opportunities for discussion. 2010, the beginning of living my life more conspicuously......

Working things out-even when it's hard

Most people spend more time and energy going around problems than in trying to solve them~~ Henry Ford. In a conversation with my son, one of my core beliefs was discussed. When he wanted to leave for a few days to take a break from us, his parents, I reminded him that we as a family work things out, we don't avoid them. To deepen relationships with each other, we must not avoid, ignore or distance ourselves thinking that it will make things better-it NEVER does. I've experienced it, seen it and studied it in school. Working through difficult issues with people takes skill, maturity and a deep love and respect for others. If a relationship really means something to us, we must dig our heels in, be brave and work through the "muck", letting our pride or walls come down as we do so. Jeff had to teach me this when we were first married as my inclination was to always leave when things got hard, as I'd seen modeled in my own family. He encouraged me to stay and work through issues no matter how painful. Then I learned it to an even deeper degree in dealing with my own family relationships and through studying relationships in school. Those people that care enough to be real about how they're feeling and willing to work through hard times are usually those we develop the closest relationships with. Sadly, not eveyone is willing to put themselves out there so relationships with them are often shallow-only about the surface things. I feel sorry for these people as they will never have the deeper, at times painful, but mostly Joyful aspects of a relationship that makes life so worth living. It is my fervent hope that my children will learn this lesson now and have the courage to live a REAL life with deep and loving relationships.

Paying it forward

I've been very fortunate in my life to be helped by many people. As a senior in high school when my mom and I weren't getting along, an older friend at work invited me to stay with her family as long as I needed. It kept me from committing murder, running away or going crazy. I ended up living there for about 2 months until Jeff and I married. I was able to stay in school, graduate and work on my relationship with my mom. I've always appreciated the support this friend gave me, it made all the difference in my life at the time. Other kindnesses shown me have included small but important things such as; rides to work, buying me lunch, making my family dinner, folding my laundry (thanks mom!), shoveling my walk, etc. Many "larger" things have helped me in times of need such as; money showing up in the mail with a card for no reason (thanks Kim!), allowing us to do our laundry at their house and then feeding us (thanks Sandy and Gordon), helping with car repairs, watching my kids-even as long as a week so Jeff and I could go on a cruise (Thanks Carla and Gene!!!), help with cleaning my house, and so many other things. I'm always glad when I have an opportunity to give back, to return those kindnesses by paying it forward to someone else. You never know when those opportunities will arise but when they do, I know I'm always blessed to have them. Right now, we have Jordan's friend living with us and though it's been a little stressful to have one more teenager to worry about, I know this is my opportunity to show appreciation for what my friend did so long ago for me by paying it forward to him.

....PERCEPTION.....

People only see what they are prepared to see. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson We all have our own perception of life. But how clear is that perception? I think most people would agree that the more healthy, mature and insightful a person is, the clearer their perception. Because of various degrees of clarity people around us posess, it often makes it difficult to navigate relationships with those around us. Life experience is often needed to get a true sense of what others have gone through or to understand where they're coming from. I think people don't often even realize that their perception may not be the truth. When we are able to understand that our opinions or experiences may not be the only ones that matter, that maybe someone else has a better undestanding of the situation or that we may be perceiving something totally wrong, we are able to grow and find our own truth. When pride, resentment, feelings of victimization and obliviousness are no longer part of who we are, we choose to be our healthiest selves which is truly a gift to ourselves and those who love us. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Now, let me digress by saying I am sooo tired of dealing with those that choose to remain ignorant, self indulgent and self appointed victims. We need to empower ourselves by being honest about our own "crap". No one is perfect, but so many are unwilling to show their true selves-they hide behind a wall of fabricated "happiness" or live in a fantasy world of "everything is fine". It is not until we find the courage and have the integrity to live an honest life that we will be able to truly have deep and meaningful relationships. I am so greatful for the very few relationships in my life that are "REAL" and I value them greatly.

STRESS....

"Stress is nothing more than a socially acceptable form of mental illness." ~Richard Carlson

In the past two weeks I have had more than my fair share of stress. At both of the schools I work at the stress level has been working overtime! I've had to make four calls to CPS (Child protecive services) regarding parental abuse. I've dealt with administrative issues that have tied my hands to do what I feel is in the best interest of a child and the school, meet with parents who are concerned about their child's mental health-for very good reasons, go to meetings, including one at DCFS to determine the fate of children that are at the mercy of the system or their parents and had the overwhelming feeling that there's not enough time in the world to help all of the needy children I come in contact with on a daily basis. Added to all of this is the stress of dealing with teenagers! Teenagers in my home, at my workplace and through my calling at church (Young Women's). Don't get me wrong, normally I love this age group, they keep me guessing, remind me to have fun and make me laugh, but sometimes the "DRAMA" put's me over the edge! Fortunately, I have wonderful people in my life who let me vent. The Principal of my elementary school was feeling the same way so we had an hour long vent session that felt really good. Then, as usual, poor Jeff get's my angry venting, ranting and gnashing of teeth when I am fed up with certain people. Carla was next, she gets my emotional, whining, crazy ranting episodes. Thankfully, these wonderful people and others in my life are who keep me sane. They remind me that I'm "ok" and life will get better. They take the time to listen even when I'm delving into episodes of near insanity. Most importantly though, I know My Heavenly Father is there, no matter where I'm at, what I'm going through or how helpless I feel. I know that I am blessed, so very blessed-stress or not and I'm grateful.

Choices

The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live. ~Flora Whittemore As I lay awake early this morning thinking about this topic of "Choice" I realize as a parent what hard choices I must make for the benefit of one of my children. I have to allow the natural laws of free agency and natural consequences to take place so that life lessons and insightfulness are gained and hopefully a responsible, wise adult is formed. I've never been good with sitting back and patiently letting life "happen". I'm a take charge, make things happen kind of person that wants to take control and resolve things quickly. But, fortunately Heavenly Father knows what each one of us needs and he has placed some very wise people in my life that have helped me understand that I can't control nor should control every aspect of life, especially a life that's not my own. Everyone has their own timetable and needs to learn life lessons in their own way. For me, it boils down to faith-having faith that things will work out if I make the best choices I know how, faith that my child will remember what she has been taught and eventually have enough faith in herself to make good choices-even when they're hard. And most of all to sit back and let this child make her own choices so she can learn from the consequences. It's one of the hardest things I've had to do as a parent. Jeff and I have to constantly remind each other that it's ok to let her fail-she needs to either fail or succeed with the choices she makes. It's a daily learning experience to figure out how to support this child with love and enocuragement without rescuing her or taking away her opportunity to learn. When you see someone you love so much making decisions that often sabotage their future and even happiness, it's heartbreaking. But I have faith that one day (hopefully soon) the life experience gained from these poor choices will make her a stonger, smarter and more insightful young lady who will come to realize that we loved her enough to let her fail and in that failure learn the lessons she needed.

We deserve to be good to ourselves

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." -- Buddha While driving one of my children's vehicles, I noticed it was incredibly difficult to see out of the front windshield. So, after putting away the groceries, I got out the Windex and a roll of paper towels and began cleaning. As I was cleaning, a thought came to me regarding how we treat ourselves. Often we let things go, we don't "bother" to do for ourselves what we would gladly do for others. I felt good cleaning the windows on my Teenager's car-an act of service, but how often do I stop to clean my own windows. As Buddha says above, we deserve our own love and affection and might I add, care taking. Particularly, we women, often have a hard time taking care of ourselves or giving ourselves the little extras we lovingly give to others. We deserve to be good to ourselves whether that means a clean car, clean bedroom (I'm speaking for myself here!), a treat now and then, a bouquet of flowers that catch our eye at the store, a nap to rejuvenate, an hour to ourselves to save our sanity, but most importantly we deserve to love who we are and appreciate ourselves-imperfections and all. It's important to be good to ourselves by creating a space that is clean and personalized, where we have the ability to reconnect with what's important to us and to follow through with our dreams and aspirations. We deserve to push ourselves to be our persosnal best and appreciate the person we've become.

"The willingness to accept responsibility for one's own life is the source from which self-respect springs."-- Joan Didion

My favorite places

I just returned from traveling through Texas and Colorado after seeing Dean graduate from Basic Training. Texas-not one of my favorite places. Humidity (at least in the area we were in) Hot temperatures, Bugs, Cowboys (not a fan), etc. and some interesting family memories. But, Colorado, wow!! I love that state. It's soooo beautiful, there is so much to do and there is actually some culture in the big city of Denver. Not to mention, this was me and Jeff's first real home. He was stationed in Colorado Springs when he was in the army and we had a cute 2- story apartment that I loved. The scenery and tunnels driving from Colorado and back into Utah through Vail, Aspen, Grand Junction, etc. is breathtaking. It's one of my favorite drives and can't help but feel uplifted and grateful as I drive through the mountains and canyons that Heavenly Father created for us to enjoy. Colorado is definitely my favorite state in the U.S. That being said, my favorite city is Chicago, Illinois. I love the diversity, beauty, shopping, culture, entertainment, architecture, the magnificent mile that eventually leads to the city beach, transportation system and...they have a Dunkin Donuts shop on every corner downtown. Can't beat that!! I've visited Chicago about 3-4 times and always find something different to explore. My first trip to the city I booked a city greeter tour. That's a tour where a volunteer city resident actually takes you on a walking tour of the city. I had a blast! An older woman that had lived there most her life and was a retired college professor was my tour guide. We were a great match, she and I loved many of the same things about the city. She was so knowledgeable and had such a love for the city that it was infectious. We walked from one end of the city to the very end where it ends in a public beach, how cool is that!! We then walked back towards downtown through different neighborhoods appreciating the architecture style of the older homes in Chicago. We then stopped by a corner bistro for a drink and a pastry (I told you we loved the same things), and then took the subway back to our starting point. It was one of my favorite afternoons.

Graduation

As Lysette graduates from High School and Dean from his Air Force Basic Training, I've been pondering what life holds for them. I think back to my High School graduation and realize I was so young and naive yet I felt so grown up and ready to go out into the world. Many people ask me how I feel about my two kids "graduating". Sad? Lonely? Nervous? For some reason, most assume I am having difficutly with these transitions when in actuality I'm excited to see what my kiddos will accomplish and how they will go about finding their own way in this world. I encouage them, applaud them and pray that they will make good choices for themselves with guidance from the Holy Ghost. But I have faith in these two young adults Jeff and I have raised. I know this caring, generous, patriotic, sensitive and fun loving young man and this kind, humble, honest, responsible and easy going young lady will make their own way, making mistakes along the way (don't we all), but learning and growing and becoming the people I know they have the potential to be. Signed, their proud mom

BLINDSIDED

"Anyone can become angry, that is easy....but to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way....that is not easy." --Aristotle

Why the quote about anger? Anger is an emotion I have spent much of my life trying to working on. Considering this, I've been mulling over and processing an accusation made indirectly by a person in my life. I haven't reacted out of anger/hurt as I may have done in the past. Part of the problem is that these accusations were made indirectly and then relayed to me. Sadly it reminds me of the Jr. High School crap that happens with my students, ie: he said, she said, bla bla bla! Unfortunately this kind of thing has happened numerous times before, always with the same result-I confront the person and try to get to the bottom of the issue, usually to find out there has been a huge misunderstanding while they play the victim. When it has been my fault, I have tried to take responsibility for my actions and apologized, but it's hard when you're not even given the chance to deny it even happened, it feels as if I've been Blindsided. Because this person does not take the opportunity to discuss things maturely and openly as an adult, it's difficult to work on the relationship. So....how do I react to accusations that are so far fetched but are being told directly to everyone but me?? Actually, I've decided to just let it go...I've been here before and I give up, I'm done. No matter how hard I try to have an honest, mature relationship with this person, it doesn't happen. OK, I finally get it, it won't happen as much as I'd like it to. Now... if only others wouldn't be so eager to jump on her bandwagon without considering the source!! I hope this person will be able to finally get to a place where anger isn't held on to and allowed to fester for more than a year, what a waste of precious time!

Happiness

Being an eternal optimist, sometimes I am sadly disappointed when things don't go the way I'd like or have envisioned. (Ok, maybe that also speaks to my somewhat controlling nature.) But I still revert back to my optimistic if sometimes unrealistic expectations. It's actually one of the things I like about myself. I try to look on the brighter side of things and have faith that things always happen for a reason, whether we understand the reason now or not. I have had profound confirmations of this in the past and it is what keeps me so upbeat. I was recently drawn to a book called Eat, Pray, Love. The author was on Oprah but I didn't see the episode she was on, just a commercial for that particular episode and the title of the book resonated with me so I bought it for myself. The author details her "quest" of sorts, regarding her spirituality and purpose in life. In her book the author, Elizabeth Gilbert, quotes one of her spiritual guru's teachings on happiness: "People universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will descend upon you like fine weather if you're fortunate enough. But that's not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it. If you don't you will leak away your innate contentment. It's easy enough to pray when you're in distress but continuing to pray even when your crisis has passed is like a sealing process, helping your soul hold tight to its good attainments." I loved this quote! It is so deeply true. We are truly the only ones that can make ourselves happy. We choose how we look at the world, how we react to others and how we internalize outside influences. It's what I try to teach in counseling and it's what I believe with all my being. Now I just need to remember this when I'm obsessing over some unimportant aspect of life. It is my New Year wish for all of us-that we will CHOOSE to be happy!

Gratitude

After spending last week in San Diego and witnessing the widespread devastation, I was indeed grateful to be able to come home. Jeff and I were staying in a large hotel in La Jolla, a suburb of San Diego just down the street from the San Diego LDS Temple. We were there due to Jeff needing to train employees of the Avastra lab in San Diego. As many of you know, when we travel there's usually something interesting that happens, ie: fire at our hotel in Chicago this past summer! This trip was no different. First of all, as I was stepping down the shuttle bus steps to go into the hotel, my heel slid and I followed, hitting my back on all three steps as I slid down and landed at the feet of the shuttle bus driver and hotel concierge! I quickly jumped up, trying to shrug it off with a smile while in major pain and embarrassment. The next day we begin to hear about fires on the outskirts of San Diego and as time went by they became progressively worse until it seemed most of La Jolla was evacuated and checking in to our hotel-with kids, pets and remnants of their life in tow. Tuesday morning as I went down to breakfast in the atrium, I noticed that most of the people had that " dear in the headlights" look and seemd to be in shock. Many people were having conversations with each other or by cell phone about where they would go and what they would do now that their home/ livelihood/children's schools were gone. Really heartbreaking! The air quality was so poor people were wearing masks, businesses were closed and people were asked to stay inside if possible. The day we were leaving, I dropped Jeff off at the sleep lab he was visiting and I had decided to try to find something to do while waiting for him (original plans included attending the temple and shopping for the kids-both the temple and the mall were closed). As I was driving away a lady in the lane next to me impulsively decided to change lanes and hit me on the side of my brand new rental car which knocked me into the other lane and tore up the metal on both passenger side doors! She was very apologetic and a witness stopped to give his statement so it went as smoothly as something like that can go. As we flew over the fires surrounding San Diego, up through the dense layer of smoke and haze I felt greatful, greatful to be returning home to my family, greatful for children that pull together when we're gone to keep things running smoothly so we don't have to worry, greatful for people that are so willing to give of themselves and serve those that are sufffering (there was such an outpouring of help in San Diego, especially at the stadium that they had to request that doantions stop for a while until they had time to distribute them), greatful for my faith as I thought about what I would do if this were to happen to my family and realized how unimportant "things" are compared to those you love. (see quote at the bottom)

Football Frenzy

Ahhhh, the the smell of Fall, Football and Fun is in the air. I love this time of year and thoroughly enjoy watching my boys play football. Never did I think that I would enjoy it so much. Even though life is chaotic with both Jeff and Dean helping to coach Jordan's little league football team this year I wouldn't trade it. I loved watching Dean play football through the years and bonus- it kept him totally occupied and worn out so he wasn't driving the family crazy!! And in one more year Jordan will be playing at the high school level-Friday night lights! Anyway, hopefully I'll learn how to upload pictures soon so I can add to my blog. Anyway, I've got to go, I'm off to my first football game of the year- GO GRIZZLIES!!!

Rollercoaster of emotion

Well, after being strongly encouraged by my neice and sister in law, I will update my blog. This was actually one of the reasons I put off having a blog for a long time-the knowledge that my time is limited and that I wouldn't take the time needed to update. But I'll try to be more current from now on. (although you may all regret this after the amount of detail I put in here!) What a week I've had. I've turned 43-whoo hoo!! (said sarcastically). I began a new career path that I've always wanted- school counseling. I've finally painted my bedroom-purple of course!! And I've had some very extreme events to put my life and relationships into perspective. First, my career path: While on vacation earlier this summer, I was called and interviewed by a supervisor from the Granite school district, with whom I interned, and she offered me a job the day I got back from vacation. I was thrilled, the setting I love, good benefits, decent pay (It will never be "good pay" when you are a social worker!!), etc. Anyway, the dilemma was how to give notice to my other job that I enjoy, with a boss I adore, and clients I have really come to enjoy. It wasn't difficult to quit really but the emotional pull I felt to people I cared about was really hard. Though I am still seeing two clients in the Magna office every other week, I am basically done. I began my job as a school counselor this week on Tuesday. I will be working at an elementary 3 days per week and a Jr. high 2 days per week. So I walk into the elementary school on my first day and ask for the principal. The office tracks her down for me and she informs me she's leaving for a training and she'd love me to go with her since I'll be on the "team"! I say ok-I can be a spur of the moment kind of girl (sometimes!!). When run off to the day long training and then I find out it's also the next day. So still had not seen my office and then Thursday, I needed to attend a training to Special ED which was great, I saw many of my friends there from working at The Chidlren's Center and various other jobs. So by Friday I actually was able to got ot the elementary and see my office, which I share with the psychologist, although we're there different days, and is maybe 8x12 feet-cozy!! Next, my birthday. while I'm not one to make a big deal out of my birthday, unless it's to get some extra work out of family members, I do hope next year's is less eventful and back to boring. I attended a training with some of the teachers and principal from my elementary school and they had told me there was a free lunch so I didn't bother bringing any money, especially since I'm broke, having gone without a paycheck for the last month during job transition. Anyway, my team decided they didn't want the free lunch and wanted to go out, after trying to beg off with excuses, I finally had to admit I was broke and then of course they offered very graciously to pay. Embarrassing since I don't know these people well yet. After the training, I checked my cell phone and had numerous messages so I checked them and I heard words like, Life Flight, fire engines, ambulances, our street blocked off, hospital. My boys did quite a lovely job of freaking me out with either mumbled messages or incomplete messages. Anyway, after calling everyone I knew I found out that Jordan's best friend across the street had found his younger brother (12) hanging from a rope, had to lift him up and cut him down and then call his mom and 911. Lifeflight flew him to Primary Children's hospital and he ended up being ok. Jordan went with his friend and a neighbor who drove them up to the hospital. Let me digress here a moment, I just want to say how proud of my son I am. He has had two friends now that ahve had a traumatic experience in the last couple of weeks and he has handled things so incredibly well, being thoughtful and caring. He had a friend who's uncle died suddenly and Jordan found out, baked the family a cake and then had Dean drive him over there, stayed with his friend and comforted him while he and his family were grieving. The friend's parents related to Jeff and I how much that meant to them and their son. With the recent events, he was able to offer comfort to his friend and the friend's brothers, invite them to stay at our house for a couple days while this family dealt with the son in the hospital and was a true friend. He's such a great example to me. So, back to my birthday. After finding all of this out about the neighbors, I then needed to go to the church and help out with the Young WOmen Personal Progress Celebration we had planned and of which Lysette (Being the Laurels President) was in charge of presenting. We get through most of the program and then the Bishop shows up from the hospital where they took our neighbor and it is evident the toll it had taken on him. The Life of a Bishop- it made me really think about how much he loves us and what a heavy burden he has on his shoulders!! He announced to everyone what had happened and how much we need to value life. By this time I'm an emotional wreck, in the kitchen cutting brownies and realized how much this had affected me. I work with kids and teenagers every day that are in pain and don't know how to deal with it. I remember feeling that way as a Senior in High school, not suicidal but confused and lost. Fortunately I had some wonderful people in my life that helped me-Jeffrey and my friend Pat who was older and helped me immensely. Between all of this and other events that have surfaced with people that I love, I feel as though I have been an emotional rollercoaster, but thankfully I have aloving Heavenly Father that I can turn to comfot me and put things into perspective. My appreciation for life is IMMENSE! I Value life and the experiences I have that help me to grow. Tomorrow I will be teaching a lesson to all of the Young Women and have been asked to speak to them about recent events. This will be my message to them: Value Life. Felicia

I can't believe I'm actually going to be a blogger!

As I have resisted the blogging mania and always thought, "I don't have time for that", or "I don't have much to say", I've realized recently how much I enjoy reading my neice's and sister in law's blog. Due to this and the desire to express myself (and the fact I just can't seem to write in my journal consistently) I've decided to embark on a blogging quest. I'm hoping in writing some of my thoughts down and getting feedback from others, I will learn more about myself and enjoy the process of sharing. So here goes........ Felicia